Clarity

I have become a much calmer person just knowing in a few weeks I'll get an almost 6 hour day to myself every week! The house has, by magic, become calm, clean, and comfy! With this new-found feeling, I've had a wave of clarity. I have realized I have become an "awful-izer:" where you remember the bad from the past and can only imagine the possible bad outcomes for the future.

Last night I was going through the bajillions of pictures of our little family and found they are filled with smiles and fun I have not given credit to the people who have had my back for years...my family and friends. I realized in my previous post, feeling overwhelmed a lot of time is a common phenomenon, and it's good to know this feeling is shared by pretty much everyone.

My parents, and siblings who could, have come to Lubbock for all kinds of holidays, and have flown us out to get to celebrate holidays with them. My sweet mom has driven the 10 hours or flown the distance on several occasions to stay with us for several days to help out. My in-laws have done the same...staying for several days and even opening their house to us for an entire month while Nich was in Ft. Worth. (I always feel weird letting family watch Oliver "for me" since I consider it my responsibility and can't let go...plus they might think I'm lazy or something equally unforgivable...yeah, an over-reaction, I know) My amazing husband has offered countless times to watch Oliver while I get to leave the house by myself (I always say no because I'd rather have family time while Nich's actually home!) I've had amazing friends offer to watch Oliver while I took care of something, and although I haven't really taken them up on it because I feel like then we have to keep score of who's watched whose kids, I am so grateful that they even continue to offer! But clearly, not accepting help + selfish with family time = luney bin in my case.

My very wise mom's been telling me for months to find a Parents' Day Out program or something, and while I toyed with the idea, it always felt like such defeat. We are blessed to have such a good, experienced, and loving family in our corner! And why don't people talk about the times they have their children in a program like that? Do they feel the same sense of defeat or guilt that they need a break? I have made a point of talking about it with moms, and those who already do it are like "It's the best thing I ever did and I was wondering how much longer you would last!" while a lot of others silently frown upon it and tell me their lives are just the way it is, no breaks, and they're happy for it. Being a silent martyr isn't going to do a family any good, case and point, MY family, ha ha ha! I firmly believe the $60 a month is well worth the sanity I'm already starting to feel, and January isn't even here yet!

My mother-in-law sent me this amazing email after reading my previous post, and she'd probably kill me for posting it, ha! But she DID say she tried to leave it as a comment, and I really REALLY like her words. She has awesome insight and a neat way of saying things, so I think this is one to share:

"I get this humorous image of Superman in my head--this man who was faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings, more powerful than a locomotive. . . I'd like to see his true strength. Would he be able to go without sleep for nights(months) on end, be able comfort a baby in pain day after day, deal with the all too real concerns of this son's safety, be alone so very much of the time while his support was off fighting his own (necessary) battles of med school, have the strength of mind to be able to calmly watch a toddler's growth as the child throws tantrums. . . No, Superman had his burst of energic heroics (of which he received tremendous praise and adulation), then was able to go back into his alter ego to the relative calmness of a job, nights of rest, getting spiffed up to court Lois Lane. Who's the real super hero?

It is wonderful that you are finding ways to "fill your own well"; it is an absolute necessity. No one can continually give, especially without sleep. Med school and motherhood are demanding; that is a fact. And since many of us who would love to help are far away; you have to find other sources. That said. . .

A super-mom? In my book, you are one. But, even better, you are a cherished wife and a loving, beloved mother. You have brought incredible happiness and joy to my son; Nich adores you. The two of you have weathered much together. And Oliver--he's a totally delightful, curious, secure toddler despite the fact that he's had to suffer through colic and sleeping difficulties. That is quite the accomplishment--to help Oliver deal with his challenges in such a way that he can still greet each new day with big smile and excited anticipation.

There's this great quote by C.S. Lewis; I love the imagery. It deals with the reality of trials in our lives.

"No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes are in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present to us: it is the very sign of his presence.”

- C.S. Lewis, in a letter to Mary Neylan, January 20, 1942"

Every overwhelmed parent should get an email like this from their parents...yes, I consider myself as having 4 parents, my parents and my in-laws...I AM that lucky! I had actually written part of this post before I received the email, and how reassuring it is that I got this in my inbox this morning!