These are my two men. Aren't they fabulous?Those two right there are the absolute loves of my life! Goofy, playful, funny, and fearless. I am so blessed to have these two all to myself!
I've had a lot on my mind for a while now, and have been really unable to verbalize much of it or even process it, so it finally all processed and verbalized itself in a two hour phone call to my sweet husband a few nights ago. I'm writing this all down so I can remember it all the next time I find myself in the dark gloom of an impending breakdown!
After all the difficulties and heartbreaks of trying to have a baby for two and a half years, we finally had baby Oliver 16 months ago. Thrilled beyond thrilled, I decided I was going to be one of those moms who was always even-tempered, calm, reasonable, took each moment as a teaching moment, kept in shape, didn't turn frumpy-never-get-out-of-pj's mom, want to spend every possible moment with my child, and who always had it together, always. I figured that since I was in my 30's when we had him, I would already have a shoe-in, and since we had tried so HARD for so LONG that it would be very natural for this to all fall into place. And it DID for a while. I glued Oliver to my side because, one, I was always terrified he was going to die of SIDS or stop breathing, and two, because I was amazed that I actually had a baby of my own after deciding it probably wasn't going to happen for us.
Oliver had colic which made the first 4 months of his little life really difficult for him and for me. He cried for hours every day and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Thankfully a strong prescription helped turn the 8 hours of crying down to about 5 hours a day, and we all rested a little better. But the 16 hours a day I would hold my baby got really draining, and the sleep deprivation made me a little crazy. Ok, a lot crazy. Oliver couldn't sleep unless I was holding him, and forget tummy-time. It was like he was in pain if I put him on his belly. It got to the point of I didn't want anyone else but Nich to take him, and I wouldn't go to playgroups because I hadn't showered or mostly because I was sure Oliver would catch something (like a cold and stop breathing in his sleep). I really forced myself to ask friends if they wanted to hold him because I knew they wanted to, and I think I was very convincing in sounding excited for them to hold him even though I was always ready to snatch him back up just in case. (In case of what, I don't know!) But I plowed through it mostly because I had to, and I felt so guilty that I wasn't a good mom because I clearly did not have it together, and I felt beyond guilty that I was starting to blame my miracle-baby for my not able to sleep, eat, or shower. I would love it when Nich would get home so he could hold the baby while I cleaned the house. My break that I ALWAYS looked forward to was CLEANING! Yeah, crazy.
Then around 5 months, Oliver was upright most of the time and the colic magically disappeared. I was able to relax some, shower most days, and clean the house with Nich gone. Oliver and I took to going out daily, him in a Baby Bjorn a church-friend had lent me, and we were two peas in a pod. But Oliver still couldn't nap by himself, was still waking up a 2-3 times a night, and the horrendous surgical rotations were in place for Nich. So, although life was a whole lot easier, it got a whole lot harder too with Nich on the night shifts, the 30-hour on call shifts, and no one else to share the stress and time a baby takes. With no family within 6 hours of us, I felt weird asking friends to take him for me so I could shower or sit and veg for an hour. Plus, I was going to be super-mom and no one could know how desperate I really felt. Women do this all the time, so why was the little muscle under my left eye starting to twitch regularly?? I DO have an awesome neighbor who, we watched each other's kids every other day for 2 hours so we could work out, but although I REALLY looked forward to my two hours, I felt so overwhelmed thinking about watching her two on her days to work out. And her kids are very sweet, well-behaved, older kids who actually would entertain Oliver when I wasn't trying to get him to nap by himself in someone else's house. I had to stop that since it was just too much.
Then Oliver turned one. I didn't have to worry about SIDS anymore, and it was a huge relief! And 4th year medical school started. Oliver can walk, run, point for things, play by himself, nap by himself, and sleep through the night. YES! But Nich is gone all the time. Two month-long rotations in other cities, days and weeks away for 20+ interviews all over the country, and working through holidays to make up for all the time gone on interviews. Again, things were easier, and yet single-motherhood is more and more what I felt like I was doing. Again, this is my miracle child and he's sweet, funny, starting to talk and parrot what I say, dance around the house, and eat meals with me, but he also has figured out how to throw a mean tantrum and he has found just about all my "buttons." Most of the time, I can leave the room and ignore a tantrum...although the really dramatic ones are funny to watch, like when he's outside and has learned that throwing himself onto the concrete really hurts, so he goes down REALLY SLOWLY then screams and flails...but then there are times when it infuriates me and I leave the room so I don't yell at a one-year-old who is barely figuring out how to have a clue.
It got to be a good ten full-on tantrums a day which got really tiring after about two weeks, and with Nich gone, me on my own, playgroups during his nap time, and no relief day or night, I was losing it. Now, I know tantrums are a way for toddlers to express frustration before they have a vocabulary to tell you what's wrong, and they are just discovering "power," like how far they need to push to see if they'll get their own way again, or just to see what your reaction will be this time. When not throwing a tantrum, Oliver is a sweetheart. Having a wonderful child is already exhausting, and all in all, Oliver really is a SWEET sweet little boy, and I really don't have anything to complain about in that department. But then Oliver got really sick and I was holding him a good 10 hours a day, he had to sleep on me, and while I loved the cuddly-ness, I was back to worrying if he'd make it through a 104.7 degree fever without a seizure, or if he'd make it through the night alive, thankful he was waking up 3-4 times a night but also hating it, and I couldn't eat and sleep let alone shower. Then, when he was almost recovered, just Oliver and I flew to Houston for a week, and while we had a lot of fun, I finally became ill and was so stressed out making my parents watch him, and so stressed out and embarrassed by the tantrums and his sudden selfishness toward his baby cousin - I have never before nor after witnessed Oliver get so jealous, and taking things away from a baby. Finally we got back to Lubbock, and Nich left for a week in Louisiana which he decided was actually a waste of his time. That whole week is a blur and I know Oliver was feeding off of my negativity. The tantrums were beyond unreasonable, and I lost it. I mean, kicking, screaming, crying til my voice was gone, lost it. Thankfully I put Oliver in his safe, toy-filled crib while I had a melt down in the shower.
That night I talked to Nich, and realized, AHA! This is why I over-react to everything, why I wear a permanent scowl, why I am always overwhelmed, why all I can think about is, "why do I have to do EVERYTHING yet can't do ANYTHING??? Like get a haircut, or go to a Dr appointment! Why all I talk about is how I need a break. Because, after 16 months, lo and behold, I DO need a break! I realized I haven't had any time to myself where I didn't have something I had to do since before I was on bedrest. That's close to 2 years.
My name is Adriane Beer, and I am not a supermom. I have come to the realization that no one is, and that I need help. No amount of just praying for strength will help - I have to actually act and accept help, or in this case, look for it. I am signing my boy up in a Mother's Day Out program in the new year, and am not feeling guilty about it, and am totally looking forward to getting my hair done!
I've had a lot on my mind for a while now, and have been really unable to verbalize much of it or even process it, so it finally all processed and verbalized itself in a two hour phone call to my sweet husband a few nights ago. I'm writing this all down so I can remember it all the next time I find myself in the dark gloom of an impending breakdown!
After all the difficulties and heartbreaks of trying to have a baby for two and a half years, we finally had baby Oliver 16 months ago. Thrilled beyond thrilled, I decided I was going to be one of those moms who was always even-tempered, calm, reasonable, took each moment as a teaching moment, kept in shape, didn't turn frumpy-never-get-out-of-pj's mom, want to spend every possible moment with my child, and who always had it together, always. I figured that since I was in my 30's when we had him, I would already have a shoe-in, and since we had tried so HARD for so LONG that it would be very natural for this to all fall into place. And it DID for a while. I glued Oliver to my side because, one, I was always terrified he was going to die of SIDS or stop breathing, and two, because I was amazed that I actually had a baby of my own after deciding it probably wasn't going to happen for us.
Oliver had colic which made the first 4 months of his little life really difficult for him and for me. He cried for hours every day and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Thankfully a strong prescription helped turn the 8 hours of crying down to about 5 hours a day, and we all rested a little better. But the 16 hours a day I would hold my baby got really draining, and the sleep deprivation made me a little crazy. Ok, a lot crazy. Oliver couldn't sleep unless I was holding him, and forget tummy-time. It was like he was in pain if I put him on his belly. It got to the point of I didn't want anyone else but Nich to take him, and I wouldn't go to playgroups because I hadn't showered or mostly because I was sure Oliver would catch something (like a cold and stop breathing in his sleep). I really forced myself to ask friends if they wanted to hold him because I knew they wanted to, and I think I was very convincing in sounding excited for them to hold him even though I was always ready to snatch him back up just in case. (In case of what, I don't know!) But I plowed through it mostly because I had to, and I felt so guilty that I wasn't a good mom because I clearly did not have it together, and I felt beyond guilty that I was starting to blame my miracle-baby for my not able to sleep, eat, or shower. I would love it when Nich would get home so he could hold the baby while I cleaned the house. My break that I ALWAYS looked forward to was CLEANING! Yeah, crazy.
Then around 5 months, Oliver was upright most of the time and the colic magically disappeared. I was able to relax some, shower most days, and clean the house with Nich gone. Oliver and I took to going out daily, him in a Baby Bjorn a church-friend had lent me, and we were two peas in a pod. But Oliver still couldn't nap by himself, was still waking up a 2-3 times a night, and the horrendous surgical rotations were in place for Nich. So, although life was a whole lot easier, it got a whole lot harder too with Nich on the night shifts, the 30-hour on call shifts, and no one else to share the stress and time a baby takes. With no family within 6 hours of us, I felt weird asking friends to take him for me so I could shower or sit and veg for an hour. Plus, I was going to be super-mom and no one could know how desperate I really felt. Women do this all the time, so why was the little muscle under my left eye starting to twitch regularly?? I DO have an awesome neighbor who, we watched each other's kids every other day for 2 hours so we could work out, but although I REALLY looked forward to my two hours, I felt so overwhelmed thinking about watching her two on her days to work out. And her kids are very sweet, well-behaved, older kids who actually would entertain Oliver when I wasn't trying to get him to nap by himself in someone else's house. I had to stop that since it was just too much.
Then Oliver turned one. I didn't have to worry about SIDS anymore, and it was a huge relief! And 4th year medical school started. Oliver can walk, run, point for things, play by himself, nap by himself, and sleep through the night. YES! But Nich is gone all the time. Two month-long rotations in other cities, days and weeks away for 20+ interviews all over the country, and working through holidays to make up for all the time gone on interviews. Again, things were easier, and yet single-motherhood is more and more what I felt like I was doing. Again, this is my miracle child and he's sweet, funny, starting to talk and parrot what I say, dance around the house, and eat meals with me, but he also has figured out how to throw a mean tantrum and he has found just about all my "buttons." Most of the time, I can leave the room and ignore a tantrum...although the really dramatic ones are funny to watch, like when he's outside and has learned that throwing himself onto the concrete really hurts, so he goes down REALLY SLOWLY then screams and flails...but then there are times when it infuriates me and I leave the room so I don't yell at a one-year-old who is barely figuring out how to have a clue.
It got to be a good ten full-on tantrums a day which got really tiring after about two weeks, and with Nich gone, me on my own, playgroups during his nap time, and no relief day or night, I was losing it. Now, I know tantrums are a way for toddlers to express frustration before they have a vocabulary to tell you what's wrong, and they are just discovering "power," like how far they need to push to see if they'll get their own way again, or just to see what your reaction will be this time. When not throwing a tantrum, Oliver is a sweetheart. Having a wonderful child is already exhausting, and all in all, Oliver really is a SWEET sweet little boy, and I really don't have anything to complain about in that department. But then Oliver got really sick and I was holding him a good 10 hours a day, he had to sleep on me, and while I loved the cuddly-ness, I was back to worrying if he'd make it through a 104.7 degree fever without a seizure, or if he'd make it through the night alive, thankful he was waking up 3-4 times a night but also hating it, and I couldn't eat and sleep let alone shower. Then, when he was almost recovered, just Oliver and I flew to Houston for a week, and while we had a lot of fun, I finally became ill and was so stressed out making my parents watch him, and so stressed out and embarrassed by the tantrums and his sudden selfishness toward his baby cousin - I have never before nor after witnessed Oliver get so jealous, and taking things away from a baby. Finally we got back to Lubbock, and Nich left for a week in Louisiana which he decided was actually a waste of his time. That whole week is a blur and I know Oliver was feeding off of my negativity. The tantrums were beyond unreasonable, and I lost it. I mean, kicking, screaming, crying til my voice was gone, lost it. Thankfully I put Oliver in his safe, toy-filled crib while I had a melt down in the shower.
That night I talked to Nich, and realized, AHA! This is why I over-react to everything, why I wear a permanent scowl, why I am always overwhelmed, why all I can think about is, "why do I have to do EVERYTHING yet can't do ANYTHING??? Like get a haircut, or go to a Dr appointment! Why all I talk about is how I need a break. Because, after 16 months, lo and behold, I DO need a break! I realized I haven't had any time to myself where I didn't have something I had to do since before I was on bedrest. That's close to 2 years.
My name is Adriane Beer, and I am not a supermom. I have come to the realization that no one is, and that I need help. No amount of just praying for strength will help - I have to actually act and accept help, or in this case, look for it. I am signing my boy up in a Mother's Day Out program in the new year, and am not feeling guilty about it, and am totally looking forward to getting my hair done!
Maybe not by these two characters though...
4 comments:
YAY FOR YOU! You need to have time to yourself. It is the only way Sanity can be yours! And you are super mom, because a supermom realizes when she needs to let her baby cry for a little while so she can take a shower and not loose her mind. You are a great mom! Let those around you help. I wish i could be there to help too! Enjoy your mothers day out time! It will be great for both of you.
Well I have to agree with Jaidi that you are a wonderful super mom to Oliver and also that it is 100% OK to want a break :)
Having a child is WORK. Those other mom's out there who say everything is perfect are LYING. Get around other mom's and watch their child and their reaction and this will either make you feel like the BEST mom ever or atleast normal. The feeling of being a bad mother will come and go because we are mom's. We don't want to get frustrated and yell and we do and then we'll feel quilty and then we have times when we think we should be playing more or doing more for them and will feel quilty bad mom again. It's part of the definition of mom. I would like to tell you it gets easier as they get older but then I'd be lying. Some things do get easier but then new challenges arrive. Take time for yourself and time for you & Nich - a happy mom equals a happy family.
~ mom to a hockey loving, silly, almost 6 year old who makes me wan to kiss him one minute and put him in time out the next - Natalie
Everyone has to come to the realization they can't do it all, it is hard, and I don't think it is a one time realization, I think it is something you have to realize over and over again each time still trying to do everything how you feel you need to. The wonderful part is after you have done the best that you can, our Savior Jesus Christ will make up the difference and your child will be perfect, he won't remember the hard days, he will remember a loving mom who tried to do everything for him.
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