I have been avoiding adding anything to this blog because I couldn't let the anniversary of Julian's first birthday go by, and not write anything. January 24th, 2:57 AM has come and gone and I still can't bring myself to write anything. I am so conflicted because for the hours we held our baby after he was born sleeping, we were overjoyed. We felt like he was there with us, and everyone who held him felt him and knew this was an incredibley spiritual moment, and in a bizarre way not sad. There was a moment, both Nich and I felt at the same time, when Julian stopped looking like himself and we knew he was saying goodbye, so we said goodbye to his little 15 inch, 2 pound 2.8 ounce body, and that is when the sadness hit. It has been with us ever since. Today I looked at his ultrasound pictures and allowed myself to cry for a while, with Nich and his study group oblivious in the kitchen. I am so glad the technician gave us rolls of pictures of Julian's in-utero face, before we knew anything was wrong. I felt and smelled the tiny white blanket was wrapped in for a few moments after his birth, the few blood drops from his cord have deepened in color a year later. I am so greatful our funeral director thought to cut off and give us what little hair he could manage, and as I stared at his cute little dark blonde baby hair I remembered how suprised I was by how much hair my little boy had at only 29 weeks! Thinking about him is so difficult because the memories come back too easily...I am also greatful the medication I was on during my 22 and a half hours of labor wore off in time for me to be lucid enough to have such vivid memories, no matter how painful, I treasure the time I can curl up and remember how he looked, how he smelled, and how he, of course, had his father's highly genetically dominant "Beer" feet. He looked so much like his daddy that I was thrilled to find a few of my traits - he had my hands and my ears. I wear a white gold pendant with an etching of his handprint on it, everyday - Nich has the footprint. I am so happy when people comment on it and I can tell them about my special, perfect little boy. Here is part of a letter I wrote to my son four days after his birth.
You were born perfect. Baby Julian, you were pink without any bruises. I was worried to look at you when you were born because I thought maybe I would be more sad - you made me and your daddy the happiest parents in the world. On your head you had beautiful swirls of baby hair. Your little brow was furled right on the left side of your soft gorgeous nose. We gave you eskimoe kisses on your warm, soft face, and your daddy kissed you on your crimson lips. You looked like you were sleeping - your body was dead but we felt your little spirit in there. Thank you for staying with us for a few hours to feel you, talk to you, sing to you, and tell you how much we love you.
Your little ear was folded down and I gently fixed and pulled both away from your perfect little head. Julian, you have my ears! You have an exact replica of your daddy's mouth, your mommy's fingers, and your daddy's toes. I love holding your tiny hands and I could feel the warm fingers naturally wrap around my finger. Such perfect little hands. Such perfect little feet! Your daddy loved your strong legs, and I couldn't help but notice you have my knees. For being born two months early, we are so impressed and happy to already see ourselves in you. The hours we held you, the joy and happiness and comfort you gave us, makes up for all the pain we have that we can't bring you home.
I think of you all the times I miss my big belly with you in there. I often close my eyes and hold you again. I can see your face, feel your hands, feel your baby nose on mine, smell your sweet scent. How I love you Julian.
...Your daddy, aunt Elisabeth, and grandmother were there as I pushed you out. Dr. Hurt was so gentle with y ou. I am so glad to be your mother, I am so happy I could give you a proper birth and entrance into the world. I am so happy I can see you in your daddy's face - he misses you with all of his heart and soul. ... Julian Paul Beer. Such a perfect name for a perfect baby. I can't wait to see you again. I have your perfect little footprints. Your daddy and I will wear your little handprints and footprints over our hearts. We love you perfect boy.
It is difficult to read the many letters my family and I wrote him, and I wish I could post the song Nich wrote for him. It is my absolute favorite song! I hope he records it soon.
As for the baby we are expecting now, we are eleven and a half weeks pregnant, and I am still (thankfully) in the throws of morning sickness! We have our 12 & 1/2 week ultrasound of Friday, and I am hoping many of the problems they saw at his 10 & 1/2 week ultrasound will have started to resolve themselves. Things they are watching but told us not to worry about yet (yeah right!) are, the intestines are still out by the cord, the amniotic sac is irregularly shaped (like a banana), the amnion and chorion haven't fused (which is normal at this point) but there are huge gaps with what looks to be blood floating in the fluid between the two. This last point is the most worrisome, but may account for the ever prevalent brownish discharge I continue to have. Our Dr. says these things could resolve themselves on their own, but if they don't it will likely naturally terminate. So, it seems a stress-free pregnancy just isn't in the stars for us! We continue to pray that things will look better by Friday.
On a happier note though, the Dr. said he wasn't allowed to tell us with 100% assurance, but he says we're having a baby boy! We refer to our baby as "he" which is a whole lot nicer than "it" :) He was moving around a lot, and even though I can't feel any of it yet, we loved loved loved! seeing the kicks and activity going on in there! He is apparently oblivious to the danger he potentially is in, and that makes me relax a lot easier! I'll worry about the things I know I can't control (I know it's useless but it seems to make me feel better and somehow fills my need to control SOMETHING in my body!), and he just needs to keep on growing and kicking away! For those who like numbers, his heart rate was 188 (normal for his age) and he was about 1.5 inches long, from crown to rump. Now, he should be between 2 and 2.5 inches - that's quite a growth spurt...good thing I'm eating lots of bananas for him. Ha ha ha!
Nich's preparing a roast for dinner, and I have been recruited to make the potatoes - maybe I'll just mash some we already have, that seems a whole lot easier than making some...
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