My personal rant, and now I feel better!

Me and my big brother

 Ever had an unexpected conversation with someone that totally made your day? This afternoon was one of those rare instances where I got to just chat with my big brother. Hearing that I was on his mind and that he wanted to catch up was such a neat surprise. "Neat" is not the word I'm looking for, but I have zero vocabulary today, and I'm also noticing I must be slipping into "jello-brain" again since the auto-spell-correct is not liking my British spellings for a lot of my words. I don't know when I started using British spelling again since moving back to the States TWENTY years ago...apparently today.

I've had a ton on my mind and a lot of interesting personal issues come up now that the reality of moving in a year is upon our little family. Maybe my issues are only interesting to me, but they are there nonetheless, and I'm having quite a bit of fun trying to sort through them. Reading the book my mom introduced me to a few days ago called "Third Culture Kid" (that link is not to the book, but a funny definition that I like and can relate to) is really opening my eyes to what I thought was my own brand of weirdness. While I'm still clearly weird and still looking for a book about it (not really), this book is helping explain away some of the issues I couldn't put my finger on. Like why is the thought of moving somewhere PERMANENT so terrifying? It might be permanent temporarily (like 10 years), which helps a lot.

So, back to my conversation...I almost forgot about that since I'm so caught up with myself. I (yes, ME again) have been more and more disgusted with the Facebook and Comment Section rhetoric; that is the garbage people post/re-post that is either politically or religiously based, completely polarizing, often not true or completely out of context, often oozing with judgmental overtones, and then the hateful, bullying comments people leave behind. My thoughts about that have been consuming me to the point of exhaustion and distracting my thoughts from what is way more important - mothering my kiddos. I remembered why I avoid both posting and commenting anything in that genre recently when I questioned an acquaintance's decision about possibly not vaccinating her infant. Trying to ignore the bullying and hate directed at me while keeping a composed fact-based conversation was mentally exhausting...I clearly chose correctly when I never once thought about going to law school.

And then my inability to express those feelings coherently has also driven me nuts. (Not vaccination, just seeing all the Facebook junk). IE the little gem I saw recently - picture a smoking gun atop a bible lit by candlelight with these words plastered over it: "Guns & Bible...The only two things we need to keep our kids safe, and the only two things they don't teach in school." Really? REALLY? Mentally go down that road for a minute and work THAT out to its logical conclusion. Uh huh. Child army ready to shoot 'em all then pray about it. What a wonderful world! Or how about the insane amount of social upheaval in trying to decide how and who should teach the Bible...which denomination shall we choose? The ones who take it literally or the ones who take it metaphorically? The Mormons? The Catholics? The Baptists? or the ones who read the Koran?  I kid, kind of. Ok, not kidding. Instead of someone saying they want prayer in school and want to carry a gun around, they post some knee-jerk reactionary post. It's so STUPID and makes the post-er (not to be confused with the Science project variety) look stupid too.

Trying to describe something akin to being slowly, horribly run over by a slow tractor (don't ask where that metaphor came from...clearly I've spent too much time in little agricultural towns) is really hard to do even if you've actually been rolled over by one. Which I haven't. But my brother's ability to talk about my frustration in one complete, intelligent paragraph just made my heart sing, and I wish I'd recorded it so I could write it down. And I'm totally jealous. It makes me want to read more...maybe one day I'll be able to have thoughts I can actually speak without the hour of preparation I currently require. I can't tell you how awkward it is being in a conversation trying (poorly) to express the complexities of something, to finally be able to speak it out once it's been coming together in my head for an hour, but it no longer makes sense when the subject has moved from how to talk to your toddler about stranger danger to how to properly harvest basil. There's no good segue back. See? Awkward.

So in speaking with him about a million things including my frustrations with people making enemies over subjects they are extremely passionate about (but not really...who is ACTUALLY willing to die for their beliefs about whether global warming is real or not?) and don't really know anything about (they aren't experts in the field and I doubt they are REALLY reading or designing the studies in the scientific journals about global models of ocean biogeochemistry coupled to climate models, or what may be causing the profound effect on the hydrological cycle through studies of precipitation, evapotranspiration, soil moisture, etc.) and yet they will argue red-faced, call you names, get louder and louder, or WRITE IN ALL CAPS WITH A LOT OF !!!!!!'S, find out where you live, and threaten the lives of you and your pets. I kid again. Well, kind of. And to use my brother's words which COMPLETELY MAKES MY POINT (like how that's in all caps?), your response to this random subject has become the litmus test of whether you are in their circle or "one of THEM (said with a sneer and curled upper lip);" someone who loves America or hates America. Is God-fearing or heathen. Smart or stupid. Worthy of being considered human or faceless warm-body to unleash rage upon. And it makes. me. crazy.

I had to add this one...my (oldest) little boy and my brother's little girl. Somehow it reminds me of the top picture.

I just read over everything I've written here, and while I feel like a weight has been lifted (sorry if you are now helping carry it or now want to argue with me about something political or religious) I truly think I've gone insane. If you understood anything in this crazy essay, then I am officially impressed. THIS is how my brain has been working these days. Or not working. It's all over the place and makes little sense. Sometimes I get to my point, but I often don't. I'm so glad my husband loves my particular brand of crazy...not many people would be able to sift through this mountain of words. Thank you if you've made it to the end.