I need to preface my gripes with this: Oliver is an adorable, outgoing, energetic, all-boy kind of kid, who likes to wrestle and horseplay, then turn around and read for a few hours. He'll eat anything you put in front of him and he loves bedtime and bathtime. He loves to dance and sing, go for walks, and get cuddled when sleepy. He loves his dogs, being chased around the house, going to the pool...the "deep wa-wa," playing peek-a-boo, and going down every slide within eyeshot. He's a spunky, funny, smart little boy who will do just about anything if it'll get a laugh.
He's also obsessed with "trash" and "yucky" things. Has been since he was 6 months old and would point to every spot on Wal-Mart's floor and say "trash." He's very excited to throw away anything that looks garbage-worthy, loves the garbage truck, has to count all the garbage cans on trash day, and has this weird need to go see the "yuckies" or port-a-potties on our block in front of the houses under construction. Everyday. Several times a day - although we only go once during our evening walks. He wakes up talking about the "blue yucky" and the "green yucky". It would be endearing if he weren't also a little scared of them and SO obsessed with them.
So here's the issue of the terrible-2ness. This sweet boy I just described also has a less-sweet side. I can't decide if it's just a hormonal two year old, an extra difficult child naturally, or something I'm doing wrong. Here are some of the issues:
1. A) Trust: While he will immediately run to play with any children ages 2-6, he is always on edge with kids younger than that, or who are shy/quiet. Mostly he doesn't want to share things with them (although he will with older kids) and he gets disinterested quickly and ignores them. Also, in his eyes, neither Nich nor I can interact with these younger children. He'll throw a fit and get VERY possessive. What do we do there? (especially after this next baby comes...I have a feeling there will be some LONG weeks if we can't figure out how to deal with this issue in the next few months) We don't know many people with younger kids, except my brother's family with a 1 year old who we only see a few times a year.
B) Trust: While we don't want Oliver to be friendly to any stranger he meets, we do want him to be happy and loving around adults he knows fairly well, and ones we tell and show him it's ok to be around. He starts off fine, then freaks out after a good 5-10 minutes - even if we've been hanging around the same people for several days. He's very clingy, and while I have read that toddlers go through this when they still can't communicate well and have reason to be insecure (I'm assuming a move would count as a reason) I wonder if this is more severe than that. However, even when he was 4 months old, he would cry when someone other than me or Nich would hold him...I'm SURE this is more on my part since I was so terrified he would stop breathing for the first year of his life and never let him out of my sight. Literally. While we've been working on that now (twice a week he's gone to a Mother's Day Out program from January-April, then a school from June til now where he has to be separated from me...and he does just fine after a good 5-10 minute crying session) I don't know that I see any improvement otherwise. He's even weird around Nich for a day after he's been pulling 14 hour shifts for several days in a row. At these times, I pull back and force Oliver to interact with Nich exclusively. That works and all is normal after a day. I'm not sure if it's just unrealistic expectations that Oliver should be immediately trusting and loving toward certain other adults, or if more work needs to be done there. I would love to have those particular adults take care of him without us for a few hours everyday we are visiting, but I don't think that's possible. This tactic has worked with Nich's parents (we'll go get dinner or something without Oliver in tow) and Oliver warms up to them within hours of our visits now. What do we do?
2. Time to Stop: Oliver is now starting to understand counting. He knows the number "two" really well. When we're playing or reading books, or something of that nature, when it's time to stop I say, "two more times, then let's do ____________." We show 2 fingers to each other and repeat two, then count one, two, then count each thing as we do them. (One book, two books. One ring-around-the-rosy, two ring-around-the-rosy, whatever it is.) Once we finish the last one, it's a tantrum. It's a good one. Especially if it's something like taking away the iPhone (we let him play learning games on it for a little while most days). While these tantrums are pretty much ignored and stop within a minute or so, (I've read ignoring the behavior is the best thing), what do we do in places not as casual as our house? Outside the house I'll try to redirect him with a distraction, or take him somewhere more private for him to scream. Sometimes this isn't an option though -
Do I become the lady at the store, outside the entrance in the 100 degree heat, with a 2 year old in my arms screaming and thrashing while my husband is still inside? Yes, I was that lady and the tantrum lasted until we drove out of the parking lot. It was a doozy of a tantrum. What do we do?
I'm especially stressed out about what to do when confronted with this problem where I am in a certain social situation and feel the pressure for him to be "the perfect child." Stupid? yes, but it's real and the people in these social situations hold these expectations. No, I can't avoid these situations. What do we do?
3. Frustration: How do you help a child who wants to do everything by himself, can't, then won't accept help? Perfect example...Oliver has a tricycle but his legs aren't quite long enough to do a complete rotation, so I push him with the large, built-in handle. He really enjoys this, but after a while wants to get off and push it himself. This works until he runs into the grass or the curb, then as he tries to maneuver it, it's too big and hard for him to control, and he gets MAD. When he calls for me, I go to help, but if I touch the trike or him, he screams "NOOOO" and tries to push it again. (Getting back on and going for a ride is not an option!) He finally ends up so frustrated, he's in tears on the ground and although I scoop him up and put the tricycle away, he gets even more upset that I've gone and taken it away - even if there's a new toy in it's place. I've seen so many little kids experience this, and I am at a complete loss as to what to do? Quite frankly, I don't know adults who handle frustration well, so what do we do?? He gets frustrated like this at times too when he's trying to communicate and I can't understand or guess correctly what he's wanting. Wanting to be so independent yet being so little, and unable to express himself has got to be one of the toughest rites of human passage. I'm very sure this is why our brain doesn't hold onto memories until we are around 4 or 5. Still, is there a way to make it less dramatic while teaching him healthy ways of dealing with frustration
So those are my issues, those are my questions. Nich keeps assuring me that Oliver is totally normal and we're doing a good job with him, and keeps pulling up studies and websites confirming all this, but I have others who's opinions I value, tell me that Oliver really IS that difficult and unpleasant to be around. Honestly, those words absolutely break my heart and mean more than a million studies Nich can ever show me. After pouring the last 3 years of my life into my little guy, it is so hard to hear that I'm so inept. So I'm asking for advice from the experienced parents, who've HAD 2 year olds, who remember the good and the bad of them, to give me some help.
This is how I think of my guy:
Totally in love with his goofiness!
6 comments:
You are doing a wonderful job! He is so normal it makes me laugh because I was the same way with my first one who was so independent and smart. All of my kids have had the attachment issues when they were little, and with time they grow out of them. I wouldn't push him too much because he feels secure when with you. As he gets older it will not bother him to be left. As with the tantrums, I would say pick your battles, if you are in a public place where you don't want it to happen or don't feel it can find something that he loves, like your phone and distract him before telling him that you are taking something else away, or whatever. If I am at someone elses house and my kids don't want to leave, I may let them stay for a little while longer, but then I take them even if they are kicking and screaming. I hate when parents come to pick their kids up from my house and the kids don't want to leave and the parents just keep letting them stay. I have had kids stay two or three hours longer while the parents wait for them to be ready to leave. All of that said, what you may not want to hear is that before you know it these stages will be over and you will be able to laugh about it all. I promise every stage ends so just enjoy him and let him feel love and security, that is what he needs most.
Let me preface by saying I'm not a complete stranger commenting on your blog. Nich and I were in the same ward in high school and went to the same high school. I stumbled upon your blog through John and Carrie's blog while I pregnant and on bed rest. Anyway...with that said, I have a child like Oliver. My oldest daughter was a premie and we had to be very cautious with her. To say she had a difficult temperament is an extreme understatement. My mom would come to visit and if she got too close, or heaven forbid touch her, Avery would lose it and bawl hysterically. I spent the better part of a year bouncing with her on an exercise ball trying to soothe her. We tried leaving her in nursery and she would get so upset she would throw up and we would have to go get her. And luckily I'm here to say that they do grow out of it. I hated the comments from other people who assumed I reared her to be that way because they only saw the worst of her and not all the wonderful aspects. In general conference in April Elder Lynn Robbins had some wonderful comments about parenting and how a difficult child enrolls a parent in Parenting 505 rather than Parenting 101. A difficult child is a challenge but will test, develop and refine a parent's patience and virtues. I had never thought of it that way. We decided to keep doing the things we wanted to do despite how she might react. Sometimes she would do wonderful and other times we would end up leaving and going home early very frustrated. But now she is such a joy and has come so far. She pleads to go spend the night at Grandma's house now. I think she needed to grow and learn how to control herself and how to act in different, new situations. He probably just needs time too. Sorry for the novel. Just wanted to say I've been there, it gets easier, and you're not alone!
Hi Adriane :)
Oliver reminds me a lot of Pearl in your trust examples. I think if Oliver wants your attention when you are holding or interacting with a younger kid, just give him your attention. I think it will be different when it is HIS brother you are giving attention to. It may take a few tantrums, but he will learn to share you. He will also become more trusting as he gets older. I cant believe that Pearl will easily go to any church class or activity by herself now and actually enjoys it! They do change as they grow.
Tantrums: I think you are on the right track by ignoring tantrums. I swear kids can sense those times when you really want to appear to have well-behaved children. A few nights ago we went to one of KC's new work partner's home for dinner (the first time they met our kids) and Pearl and Coby were HORRIBLE! We were embarrassed to say the least. Hopefully they at least saw us making an effort to control our kids. I think the worst thing is when kids are misbehaving and the parents are doing nothing. In general, I try not to make a scene, give warnings before leaving or taking something away. But if they have to leave kicking and screaming, so be it. If Coby has something I don't want him to have, I try to say "Hold it for a second and then give it back to me." He seems to do better that way, when it is on his terms.
Frustration: Gets better with age. Not much you can do. Try not to put him in situations where you know he will be frustrated. I have hidden toys before because I didn't want to deal with the tantrums that came with them if my kids couldn't make them work right.
Good luck. :) Sounds like you are doing everything perfectly, just wait for him to grow up.
you're a great mom!! i'm so excited to hear your pregnant!!! don't worry-- it is always worse in anticipation. God always gives you what you need when you need it.
Oh Adriane! You are doing such a great job! Stop worrying so much. From the time i have spent with Oliver..I think he is the sweetest little boy! This too is just a phase we must get through. Evan turned into a terror pretty much on his 2nd b-day! haha. But it is getting easier everyday. Maybe I have just gotten used to his moodiness. I know how it feels like it is just your kid but i promise you that it is not. This summer, Evan would cry pretty much every day that I dropped him at Mother's Day Out and would be crying most days when I picked him up too. I think it was a big adjustment to be in a new place with new people. I imagine Oliver is having a hard time adjusting to all the new stuff in his life. We miss you and Oliver! They don't call it Terrible 2's for nothing!!!! Try to enjoy the good times...and forget about the bad.
when the new baby comes, my favorite advice is be carefull that everyone is positive with oliver... when he comes close to the baby say, "kiss her head" not, "don't touch her eyes." Let him hear things like "your so soft to the baby", or "oh, she loves you so much!" he will feel your stress or your confidence in him.
with tantrums-- you got it right. ignore them. But, before that happens, give him words to express his feelings, I say what I want them to say, "Please help me mother." or "I want to do it myself mother." or "Uh Oh, the bike is stuck, please help me push it back." it doesn't work magically, but you can teach him to voice his frustration in a positive way. THIS WILL PASS!!!!!!
at the store-- i'm with nicole-- distract! (i used dum dum lollipops) say no, and stick to it. but, have a lollipop in your bag. say "no, you can not get down from the cart, but if you show me your happy face you can have a lollipop."
you will be surprised how good oliver gets as he grows up!! we all think we're ruining our first kid... and, somehow they survive us!! :) oliver is SO lucky to have you!!
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