I keep hearing the 3's are more terrible than the 2's. I think I'm getting a taste of the 2's - he is testing my every word, move, and thought and he's almost 23 months old.
I need to preface my gripes with this: Oliver is an adorable, outgoing,
energetic, all-boy kind of kid, who likes to wrestle and horseplay, then turn around and read for a few hours. He'll eat anything you put in front of him and he loves bedtime and bathtime. He loves to dance and sing, go for walks, and get cuddled when sleepy. He loves his dogs, being chased around the house, going to the pool...the "deep wa-wa," playing peek-a-boo, and going down every slide within eyeshot. He's a spunky, funny, smart little boy who will do just about anything if it'll get a laugh.
He's also obsessed with "trash" and "yucky" things. Has been since he was 6 months old and would point to every spot on Wal-Mart's floor and say "trash." He's very excited to throw away anything that looks garbage-worthy, loves the garbage truck, has to count all the garbage cans on trash day, and has this weird need to go see the "yuckies" or port-a-potties on our block in front of the houses under construction. Everyday. Several times a day - although we only go once during our evening walks. He wakes up talking about the "blue yucky" and the "green yucky". It would be endearing if he weren't also a little scared of them and SO obsessed with them.
So here's the issue of the terrible-2ness. This sweet boy I just described also has a less-sweet side. I can't decide if it's just a hormonal two year old, an extra difficult child naturally, or something I'm doing wrong. Here are some of the issues:
1. A) Trust: While he will immediately run to play with any children ages 2-6, he is always on edge with kids younger than that, or who are shy/quiet. Mostly he doesn't want to share things with them (although he will with older kids) and he gets disinterested quickly and ignores them. Also, in his eyes, neither Nich nor I can interact with these younger children. He'll throw a fit and get VERY possessive.
What do we do there? (especially after this next baby comes...I have a feeling there will be some LONG weeks if we can't figure out how to deal with this issue in the next few months) We don't know many people with younger kids, except my brother's family with a 1 year old who we only see a few times a year.
B) Trust: While we don't want Oliver to be friendly to any stranger he meets, we do want him to be happy and loving around adults he knows fairly well, and ones we tell and show him it's ok to be around. He starts off fine, then freaks out after a good 5-10 minutes - even if we've been hanging around the same people for several days. He's very clingy, and while I have read that toddlers go through this when they still can't communicate well and have reason to be insecure (I'm assuming a move would count as a reason) I wonder if this is more severe than that. However, even when he was 4 months old, he would cry when someone other than me or Nich would hold him...I'm SURE this is more on my part since I was so terrified he would stop breathing for the first year of his life and never let him out of my sight. Literally. While we've been working on that now (twice a week he's gone to a Mother's Day Out program from January-April, then a school from June til now where he has to be separated from me...and he does just fine after a good 5-10 minute crying session) I don't know that I see any improvement otherwise. He's even weird around Nich for a day after he's been pulling 14 hour shifts for several days in a row. At these times, I pull back and force Oliver to interact with Nich exclusively. That works and all is normal after a day. I'm not sure if it's just unrealistic expectations that Oliver should be immediately trusting and loving toward certain other adults, or if more work needs to be done there. I would love to have those particular adults take care of him without us for a few hours everyday we are visiting, but I don't think that's possible. This tactic has worked with Nich's parents (we'll go get dinner or something without Oliver in tow) and Oliver warms up to them within hours of our visits now.
What do we do?
2.
Time to Stop: Oliver is now starting to understand counting. He knows the number "two" really well. When we're playing or reading books, or something of that nature, when it's time to stop I say, "two more times, then let's do ____________." We show 2 fingers to each other and repeat two, then count one, two, then count each thing as we do them. (One book, two books. One ring-around-the-rosy, two ring-around-the-rosy, whatever it is.) Once we finish the last one, it's a tantrum. It's a good one. Especially if it's something like taking away the iPhone (we let him play learning games on it for a little while most days). While these tantrums are pretty much ignored and stop within a minute or so, (I've read ignoring the behavior is the best thing), what do we do in places not as casual as our house? Outside the house I'll try to redirect him with a distraction, or take him somewhere more private for him to scream. Sometimes this isn't an option though -
Do I become the lady at the store, outside the entrance in the 100 degree heat, with a 2 year old in my arms screaming and thrashing while my husband is still inside? Yes, I was that lady and the tantrum lasted until we drove out of the parking lot. It was a doozy of a tantrum.
What do we do?
I'm especially stressed out about what to do when confronted with this problem where I am in a certain social situation and feel the pressure for him to be "the perfect child." Stupid? yes, but it's real and the people in these social situations hold these expectations. No, I can't avoid these situations.
What do we do?
3. Frustration: How do you help a child who wants to do everything by himself, can't, then won't accept help? Perfect example...Oliver has a tricycle but his legs aren't quite long enough to do a complete rotation, so I push him with the large, built-in handle. He really enjoys this, but after a while wants to get off and push it himself. This works until he runs into the grass or the curb, then as he tries to maneuver it, it's too big and hard for him to control, and he gets MAD. When he calls for me, I go to help, but if I touch the trike or him, he screams "NOOOO" and tries to push it again. (Getting back on and going for a ride is not an option!) He finally ends up so frustrated, he's in tears on the ground and although I scoop him up and put the tricycle away, he gets even more upset that I've gone and taken it away - even if there's a new toy in it's place. I've seen so many little kids experience this, and I am at a complete loss as to what to do? Quite frankly, I don't know
adults who handle frustration well, so
what do we do?? He gets frustrated like this at times too when he's trying to communicate and I can't understand or guess correctly what he's wanting. Wanting to be so independent yet being so little, and unable to express himself has got to be one of the toughest rites of human passage. I'm very sure this is why our brain doesn't hold onto memories until we are around 4 or 5. Still, is there a way to make it less dramatic while teaching him healthy ways of dealing with frustration
So those are my issues, those are my questions. Nich keeps assuring me that Oliver is totally normal and we're doing a good job with him, and keeps pulling up studies and websites confirming all this, but I have others who's opinions I value, tell me that Oliver really IS that difficult and unpleasant to be around. Honestly, those words absolutely break my heart and mean more than a million studies Nich can ever show me. After pouring the last 3 years of my life into my little guy, it is so hard to hear that I'm so inept. So I'm asking for advice from the experienced parents, who've HAD 2 year olds, who
remember the good and the bad of them, to give me some help.
This is how I think of my guy:
Totally in love with his goofiness!
