Monday, December 20, 2010

Future Hoarder

I'm addicted to hoarding shows on TV. Right now, there are 4 that I know of, "Hoarders," "Hoarding: Buried Alive," "Clean House," and the newest, "Stuffocation." Watching these shows always makes me feel a little better about the rooms in our house no one sees that are full of random stuff, that are necessary but have no "home." Sounds just like a hoarder, ha! The guest bedroom/office/music room/storage room bursting at the seams, and the area next to Nich's side of the bed that is full of boxes with random junk we haven't gotten around to sorting through since I was on bedrest and half of it is stuff that helped entertain me while stuck on the couch for 3 months. Now it's so much that we've decided this weekend we're going to go through it and hopefully TRASH a bunch of it! I LOVE trashing stuff, it's so cleansing! AND I love these shows, late at night, with a virgin Bloody Mary in hand because it gets me ready to clean again the next day, and maybe even reorganize something a little differently.

But Nich loves to tease me about the copies of bills, bank statements, and duplicate checks from a decade ago to now. I'm pretty sure I have just about EVERY SINGLE ONE. Thankfully they are all organized in binders and fit on one shelf and the old check books only take up one desk drawer. They are completely unnecessary, but I can't get rid of them because, well, you never know when you might need them! I know the IRS doesn't look past 7 years MAX, and just about all those bills are for things I don't own anymore and to addresses I haven't lived at in years. My excuse is I need a shredder, but I still haven't gotten around to getting one in 10 years :)

I'm pretty sure everyone is a secret hoarder of SOMETHING, but most of us don't use our entire house to store it all. I know my parents are definitely pack-rats, and most of their kids are too. But, I was watching "Stuffocation" the other night and saw the future me on there. A mom, dad, and 12 year old son lived in a chaotic mess, but only the boy's room was clean. Now, they had tons of issues that aren't the future me, but the ONE thing I saw that made me go, "Uh oh" was when it came to cleaning and organizing the son's room. The mom wouldn't let him throw away any stuffed animals even though he couldn't stand having the 80+ lining his room. Upon digging a little deeper into her reasoning she found that her attachment to the stuffed animals represented a time in her boy's life that she could never have back. The crab they bought at Disney Land, the teddy bear for his 1st birthday and on and on. There was a special story and huge sentimental significance attached to all of them. In that moment I realized, MY boy is growing up so fast, and while I have pictures, I know I want to keep everything that ever touches him and the toys he loves to play with. Uh oh. I had already planned on making a quilt out of the clothes I love on him best, and that will surely help with a lot of the extra stuff. But seriously, what do I do with stuffed animals and toys? He sleeps with a Snoopy every night, and what if he decides to get rid of it at some point? Eeek!

I went through a similar issue when Nich and I moved into our first house together. I had a closet FULL of gifts from kids from all the years I taught. With hundreds of kids going through my classroom every year, I had a LOT of stuff. The things I liked I had out and used, the other stuff went into the closet. I felt awful about throwing any of it away because I knew each kid, their family, their situations, and knew someone in that family had taken the time to find and purchase something for me, the art teacher. We had a garage sale the summer we moved in, and it was tough, but I let ALL of it go. It wasn't so hard after about the first 3 items, so maybe I'll have a similar experience. I don't know. I just know kids I saw once a week for 45 minutes versus the beautiful boy I raise every single day to adulthood are two very different things.

I think I will always keep the Snoopy though, and keep it with Nich's childhood Snoopy if his parents let us take it...and I'll get Oliver's future child a Snoopy, and so on. Then future Beer generations will have a house of Snoopy's no one can throw away, and it will be great! Seriously, how awesome would it be to have Snoopy's from that many generations? What a great idea! Uh oh.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Secret Santa!

Elephant Ring Holder so I can't forget where my rings are placed! GREAT idea and it is so cute without being too cutesy, and is PERFECT! Thank you Aunt Liz :)

I am loving this year's Christmas! Although we don't get to be with family this year, we got to SKYPE our opening Secret Santa gifts today! That was absolute FUN and Oliver played with his new toy, (the GIANT bead and wire, or rollercoaster from Omama and Grandpapa), the entire time! I love this time of year, and I love it this year even more because, since we would not be in town for the family secret santa gift exchange, I shopped online to make sure the SS gift was shipped in time, and then just did ALL my Christmas shopping off of Amazon.com and Babyage.com. It's been a DREAM to NOT have to go into the busy malls and stores and running into crowds of busy shoppers! Whether I'm at home or not, brown packages keep arriving at my door, and these weeks leading up to Christmas have been like Christmas everyday!

Less than one week to go! Just need to find Christmas gifts for the dogs to open...they ALWAYS love ripping through paper to find tasty treats or squeeky toys. Or both! The new 7 1/2 foot tree Nich suprised me with is decorated, lit, and gorgeous, with special thanks to a certain 16 month old helper, and one section of Christmas decorations and lights are up about 7 feet on the armoir to keep away from curious fingers. So Christmassy!


Oliver hanging up his 1st Christmas ornament from last year...he was really enjoying playing with all the parts inside, so it had to go up nice and HIGH...
We've been whipping up hot chocolate with all the fixins, marshmallows and whip cream, eggnog with tasty nutmeg sprinkled on top, cookies every few days, and we've even been known to make bacon and biscuits a few times this week! With two Pandora Christmas stations we love (Bing Crosby Holiday, and Shake Hands With Santa Claus for a jazzy, swing sound) playing through the iPhones to our living room speakers, it's been so cheerful! And we even got SNOW a few days ago! I'm ready to start wrapping my happy brown boxes in bright, colorful paper with GIANT bows, and even more excited to watch my boys rip it all to pieces!! Now, off to get ready for church with "Silver Bells" playing on the speakers :)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Clarity

I have become a much calmer person just knowing in a few weeks I'll get an almost 6 hour day to myself every week! The house has, by magic, become calm, clean, and comfy! With this new-found feeling, I've had a wave of clarity. I have realized I have become an "awful-izer:" where you remember the bad from the past and can only imagine the possible bad outcomes for the future.

Last night I was going through the bajillions of pictures of our little family and found they are filled with smiles and fun I have not given credit to the people who have had my back for years...my family and friends. I realized in my previous post, feeling overwhelmed a lot of time is a common phenomenon, and it's good to know this feeling is shared by pretty much everyone.

My parents, and siblings who could, have come to Lubbock for all kinds of holidays, and have flown us out to get to celebrate holidays with them. My sweet mom has driven the 10 hours or flown the distance on several occasions to stay with us for several days to help out. My in-laws have done the same...staying for several days and even opening their house to us for an entire month while Nich was in Ft. Worth. (I always feel weird letting family watch Oliver "for me" since I consider it my responsibility and can't let go...plus they might think I'm lazy or something equally unforgivable...yeah, an over-reaction, I know) My amazing husband has offered countless times to watch Oliver while I get to leave the house by myself (I always say no because I'd rather have family time while Nich's actually home!) I've had amazing friends offer to watch Oliver while I took care of something, and although I haven't really taken them up on it because I feel like then we have to keep score of who's watched whose kids, I am so grateful that they even continue to offer! But clearly, not accepting help + selfish with family time = luney bin in my case.

My very wise mom's been telling me for months to find a Parents' Day Out program or something, and while I toyed with the idea, it always felt like such defeat. We are blessed to have such a good, experienced, and loving family in our corner! And why don't people talk about the times they have their children in a program like that? Do they feel the same sense of defeat or guilt that they need a break? I have made a point of talking about it with moms, and those who already do it are like "It's the best thing I ever did and I was wondering how much longer you would last!" while a lot of others silently frown upon it and tell me their lives are just the way it is, no breaks, and they're happy for it. Being a silent martyr isn't going to do a family any good, case and point, MY family, ha ha ha! I firmly believe the $60 a month is well worth the sanity I'm already starting to feel, and January isn't even here yet!

My mother-in-law sent me this amazing email after reading my previous post, and she'd probably kill me for posting it, ha! But she DID say she tried to leave it as a comment, and I really REALLY like her words. She has awesome insight and a neat way of saying things, so I think this is one to share:

"I get this humorous image of Superman in my head--this man who was faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings, more powerful than a locomotive. . . I'd like to see his true strength. Would he be able to go without sleep for nights(months) on end, be able comfort a baby in pain day after day, deal with the all too real concerns of this son's safety, be alone so very much of the time while his support was off fighting his own (necessary) battles of med school, have the strength of mind to be able to calmly watch a toddler's growth as the child throws tantrums. . . No, Superman had his burst of energic heroics (of which he received tremendous praise and adulation), then was able to go back into his alter ego to the relative calmness of a job, nights of rest, getting spiffed up to court Lois Lane. Who's the real super hero?

It is wonderful that you are finding ways to "fill your own well"; it is an absolute necessity. No one can continually give, especially without sleep. Med school and motherhood are demanding; that is a fact. And since many of us who would love to help are far away; you have to find other sources. That said. . .
A super-mom? In my book, you are one. But, even better, you are a cherished wife and a loving, beloved mother. You have brought incredible happiness and joy to my son; Nich adores you. The two of you have weathered much together. And Oliver--he's a totally delightful, curious, secure toddler despite the fact that he's had to suffer through colic and sleeping difficulties. That is quite the accomplishment--to help Oliver deal with his challenges in such a way that he can still greet each new day with big smile and excited anticipation.
There's this great quote by C.S. Lewis; I love the imagery. It deals with the reality of trials in our lives.
"No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes are in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present to us: it is the very sign of his presence.”

- C.S. Lewis, in a letter to Mary Neylan, January 20, 1942"

Every overwhelmed parent should get an email like this from their parents...yes, I consider myself as having 4 parents, my parents and my in-laws...I AM that lucky! I had actually written part of this post before I received the email, and how reassuring it is that I got this in my inbox this morning!

Monday, December 13, 2010

And it only took 16 months!

These are my two men. Aren't they fabulous?

Those two right there are the absolute loves of my life! Goofy, playful, funny, and fearless. I am so blessed to have these two all to myself!

I've had a lot on my mind for a while now, and have been really unable to verbalize much of it or even process it, so it finally all processed and verbalized itself in a two hour phone call to my sweet husband a few nights ago. I'm writing this all down so I can remember it all the next time I find myself in the dark gloom of an impending breakdown!

After all the difficulties and heartbreaks of trying to have a baby for two and a half years, we finally had baby Oliver 16 months ago. Thrilled beyond thrilled, I decided I was going to be one of those moms who was always even-tempered, calm, reasonable, took each moment as a teaching moment, kept in shape, didn't turn frumpy-never-get-out-of-pj's mom, want to spend every possible moment with my child, and who always had it together, always. I figured that since I was in my 30's when we had him, I would already have a shoe-in, and since we had tried so HARD for so LONG that it would be very natural for this to all fall into place. And it DID for a while. I glued Oliver to my side because, one, I was always terrified he was going to die of SIDS or stop breathing, and two, because I was amazed that I actually had a baby of my own after deciding it probably wasn't going to happen for us.

Oliver had colic which made the first 4 months of his little life really difficult for him and for me. He cried for hours every day and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Thankfully a strong prescription helped turn the 8 hours of crying down to about 5 hours a day, and we all rested a little better. But the 16 hours a day I would hold my baby got really draining, and the sleep deprivation made me a little crazy. Ok, a lot crazy. Oliver couldn't sleep unless I was holding him, and forget tummy-time. It was like he was in pain if I put him on his belly. It got to the point of I didn't want anyone else but Nich to take him, and I wouldn't go to playgroups because I hadn't showered or mostly because I was sure Oliver would catch something (like a cold and stop breathing in his sleep). I really forced myself to ask friends if they wanted to hold him because I knew they wanted to, and I think I was very convincing in sounding excited for them to hold him even though I was always ready to snatch him back up just in case. (In case of what, I don't know!) But I plowed through it mostly because I had to, and I felt so guilty that I wasn't a good mom because I clearly did not have it together, and I felt beyond guilty that I was starting to blame my miracle-baby for my not able to sleep, eat, or shower. I would love it when Nich would get home so he could hold the baby while I cleaned the house. My break that I ALWAYS looked forward to was CLEANING! Yeah, crazy.

Then around 5 months, Oliver was upright most of the time and the colic magically disappeared. I was able to relax some, shower most days, and clean the house with Nich gone. Oliver and I took to going out daily, him in a Baby Bjorn a church-friend had lent me, and we were two peas in a pod. But Oliver still couldn't nap by himself, was still waking up a 2-3 times a night, and the horrendous surgical rotations were in place for Nich. So, although life was a whole lot easier, it got a whole lot harder too with Nich on the night shifts, the 30-hour on call shifts, and no one else to share the stress and time a baby takes. With no family within 6 hours of us, I felt weird asking friends to take him for me so I could shower or sit and veg for an hour. Plus, I was going to be super-mom and no one could know how desperate I really felt. Women do this all the time, so why was the little muscle under my left eye starting to twitch regularly?? I DO have an awesome neighbor who, we watched each other's kids every other day for 2 hours so we could work out, but although I REALLY looked forward to my two hours, I felt so overwhelmed thinking about watching her two on her days to work out. And her kids are very sweet, well-behaved, older kids who actually would entertain Oliver when I wasn't trying to get him to nap by himself in someone else's house. I had to stop that since it was just too much.

Then Oliver turned one. I didn't have to worry about SIDS anymore, and it was a huge relief! And 4th year medical school started. Oliver can walk, run, point for things, play by himself, nap by himself, and sleep through the night. YES! But Nich is gone all the time. Two month-long rotations in other cities, days and weeks away for 20+ interviews all over the country, and working through holidays to make up for all the time gone on interviews. Again, things were easier, and yet single-motherhood is more and more what I felt like I was doing. Again, this is my miracle child and he's sweet, funny, starting to talk and parrot what I say, dance around the house, and eat meals with me, but he also has figured out how to throw a mean tantrum and he has found just about all my "buttons." Most of the time, I can leave the room and ignore a tantrum...although the really dramatic ones are funny to watch, like when he's outside and has learned that throwing himself onto the concrete really hurts, so he goes down REALLY SLOWLY then screams and flails...but then there are times when it infuriates me and I leave the room so I don't yell at a one-year-old who is barely figuring out how to have a clue.

It got to be a good ten full-on tantrums a day which got really tiring after about two weeks, and with Nich gone, me on my own, playgroups during his nap time, and no relief day or night, I was losing it. Now, I know tantrums are a way for toddlers to express frustration before they have a vocabulary to tell you what's wrong, and they are just discovering "power," like how far they need to push to see if they'll get their own way again, or just to see what your reaction will be this time. When not throwing a tantrum, Oliver is a sweetheart. Having a wonderful child is already exhausting, and all in all, Oliver really is a SWEET sweet little boy, and I really don't have anything to complain about in that department. But then Oliver got really sick and I was holding him a good 10 hours a day, he had to sleep on me, and while I loved the cuddly-ness, I was back to worrying if he'd make it through a 104.7 degree fever without a seizure, or if he'd make it through the night alive, thankful he was waking up 3-4 times a night but also hating it, and I couldn't eat and sleep let alone shower. Then, when he was almost recovered, just Oliver and I flew to Houston for a week, and while we had a lot of fun, I finally became ill and was so stressed out making my parents watch him, and so stressed out and embarrassed by the tantrums and his sudden selfishness toward his baby cousin - I have never before nor after witnessed Oliver get so jealous, and taking things away from a baby. Finally we got back to Lubbock, and Nich left for a week in Louisiana which he decided was actually a waste of his time. That whole week is a blur and I know Oliver was feeding off of my negativity. The tantrums were beyond unreasonable, and I lost it. I mean, kicking, screaming, crying til my voice was gone, lost it. Thankfully I put Oliver in his safe, toy-filled crib while I had a melt down in the shower.

That night I talked to Nich, and realized, AHA! This is why I over-react to everything, why I wear a permanent scowl, why I am always overwhelmed, why all I can think about is, "why do I have to do EVERYTHING yet can't do ANYTHING??? Like get a haircut, or go to a Dr appointment! Why all I talk about is how I need a break. Because, after 16 months, lo and behold, I DO need a break! I realized I haven't had any time to myself where I didn't have something I had to do since before I was on bedrest. That's close to 2 years.

My name is Adriane Beer, and I am not a supermom. I have come to the realization that no one is, and that I need help. No amount of just praying for strength will help - I have to actually act and accept help, or in this case, look for it. I am signing my boy up in a Mother's Day Out program in the new year, and am not feeling guilty about it, and am totally looking forward to getting my hair done!

Maybe not by these two characters though...


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Omama and Grandpapa's House

A few weeks ago, Oliver and I flew down to Houston for little Eliska's baptism! It was a wonderful trip and awesome to see my whole family in one place for the first time in 2 1/2 years! Marian was in town from Australia for 3 weeks, and I have a few pictures to post from that :))) I didn't get as many as I wanted because I think we were too busy catching up and the camera wasn't on my mind :( Thankfully Elisabeth got a few good ones!

My sweet little neice, or god-daughter now :) was baptized the first Advent! That's easy to remember and now she will always get to light TWO candles that night, ha! She loved staring into the water in the shiny gold bowl, and was so curious when they started pouring the water on her head! The candle got the cake though...that little flame was just mesmerizing to 5 month old eyes! Here we are at the beautiful Lutheran church in Houston, proud parents and god-parents!



Aren't they a beautiful family?


Unfortunately, Nich had to work, and we've been traveling a lot these days, separately though :( He's off interviewing several days a week at this point, and Oliver and I are mostly hanging out, doing our usual stuff! In Houston, Oliver got to hang out with his grandparents, and had a blast! Here are some really cute moments with Omama:



Stealing a quick hug before bed!

I love this picture since it reminds me of two others, in separate generations, I hold very close to my heart...





Oliver played a bunch with his Grandpapa, but I didn't have my camera! Lots of hugs and sharing sound-effects with a GIANT wire and bead toy! I MUST remember to take pictures more!